so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
