I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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