We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
