I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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