By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
