I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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