I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
