Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
