I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
