actually, I'm a sock model
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
