this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
