But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize