I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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