so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
