what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
