You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
