Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
