Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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