I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
