party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
