I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
