he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
