i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
