I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
