woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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