my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
