I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
