I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
