I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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