Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Pants are for mortals
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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