i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
