He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
PANTIES FOUND
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
