sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
