I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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