ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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