I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize