Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
