My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
