Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
