Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
