Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Dear god my vagina.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
