i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
