girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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