Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
