I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
