I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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