There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
