He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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