I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
