dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize