My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
