Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
