We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
