I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
