Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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