If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
