It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
