Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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