I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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