I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
