Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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