hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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