I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize