I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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