new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
