We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
