i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
