I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
