toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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