I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
