to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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