i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
