This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
