Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
