Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
