did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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