Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
