She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We are two peas in an std pod
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
